i once thought that i was the only one.. but i realised i wasn't
when i went to J's house one day... i realised that hey.. im the only one.. his family is like that too..
there was one day last yr when C told me of some family stuff as well and i realised.. maybe it's only normal

but sometimes you cant help it when u compare yourself with certain other pple who are living in a blissful world totally oblivious of their ugly stuff ard them... you are envious really

i dont get envious though when everything is alright and i dont crave for love or family warmth... cos i nver felt i needed it anyway...
just that when the tension gets so great and you feel like blaming the whole world for everything that is happening and why things look as if that it is all your fault when it isn't that now you even feel that it's your fault yourself... you really get envious u know...

antithetically i wonder if i wld say in the same voice when i really get that so called ahem family warmth... like i said.. i dont need it...

i dont have trust in any relationship and hmm... i guess there's nth wrong with that... it's human to have insecurities... but it sometimes gets too much that it worries me...

i think i told mr boy b4.. i realised that there's nth worth for me living on this earth... and there's nth in my life that i do that i can truly be proud of... so the very small things i can do is to do my best for those stuff that is temporary that is material.. like academics... like physical appearance... like money..
that sounds so pathetic but that's the truth...

good for you if you have all of them.. including the bliss you have always dreamt of in relationships...

i makes me feel inhumane to know that hey those little stupid relationships mean nth to me... because when the whole world is pointing their fingers at you.. you know that there's no one you can trust... and there's very little you can do to make your life worthwhile

and at this very moment you know.. the fear of death suddenly dissipates.. and i feel myself telling god...
i have no aim in life and i feel that my existence is meaningless... i rather die than continue being a wasteful earthling sucking away the earth resources meaninglessly... i wish i get contracted with a terminal illness.. and hurry die... i wish i cld end up like my dad.... anyway my mum has always said im exactly like my dad and one day i wld end up like him.. so eh i give you my life.. take it away frm me now....



if you dont wna take my life... show me... the relationships i believe in exists... and give me the strength to persevere until when i find them one day.... i dont mind waiting.... just prove to me one day that i will reap what i commit i will feel what is love... and it's possible to commit to loving someone or a bunch of pple truly impt to you in your love wholeheartedly... who feel the same way towards you and are willing to do the same way for you...

i realised im still hopeful and there's still side of me that is optimistic... beyond the cynical, skeptical pessimistic view of human nature i have... it's something i can't help but occasionally ponder... pardon me